I am and always have been self-conscious enough to feel silly about writing about my experiences...however, I feel that college and life and these past couple of months have warranted a need for me to express my thoughts outside of whatever little verbal communication I may have.
I vehemently denied the ending of high school for the last few weeks. I did not do all the things I should have. I did not hang out with the people I wanted to. I did not say the things I needed to. I let it pass by. The end of my childhood, I let it pass by and slip away and I did not even try to express how much it killed me to do so without an inidication of how much it truly meant to me. How much the people meant to me, how much I needed them, how much I loved and cared for them. But there's nothing I can do now, except move on...right?
I have lost control of my life. I have. I have lost mysself, who I used to be, of the things that made my happy, of the things I once found touching or profound or inspiring or motivating. I have lost most of my drive, my personality, my tastes and preferences. I want to go back to being Iqra, back in February. I want to go back to being as happy as often as I once was. For the first time in my life, I was absolutely comfortable with who I was, with my friends, with how I looked, with what I did. I had purpose, I had drive, I had energy. I was happy.
I don't know who or what I am anymore.
All I want now? To go to UF, to start fresh. To start classes, to get submerged in my passion. TO be excited for things again. To be happy again. I wish sometimes that I DID sign up for summer term. I wish I was already up there. Productivity keeps the mind occupied and creates the illusion of happiness -- or at least contentment -- like nothing else.