Sunday, July 28, 2013

Before you, I never used to cry. Before you, I was relatively happy with myself, with my life. 
The week after we starte going out, I called my best friend crying, already hurt. 
Now I don't even have her. Now I don't even recognize who I am. Now I don't remember the last time I've gone through an entire day feeling okay. 
I'm looking forward to after you. But what's left after you?

Sunday, July 14, 2013

You've made me lose everything. I don't want you or any of this anymore. I don't want my own life and it's all your damn fault. Actually, a lot of it is my own damn fault for letting you. I hate myself for it, absolutely, from the bottom of my heart. There's nothing but resentment left.


Friday, July 12, 2013

What do you do when everyday you feel like you're being suffocated? Like you can't breathe or move or do anything anymore? I have lost control of everything and there is a huge hole in my chest that makes it impossible for me to go on living like nothing is wrong
It is a terrifying feeling to know that the people who you would always still give up your life for, you've made feel like they don't matter whatsoever. It's a terrifying feeling knowing they've moved on without you and you are what you once were. My sisters consider me a stranger...and it's all my fault.

That's what breaks my heart.


I am and always have been self-conscious enough to feel silly about writing about my experiences...however, I feel that college and life and these past couple of months have warranted a need for me to express my thoughts outside of whatever little verbal communication I may have.

I vehemently denied the ending of high school for the last few weeks. I did not do all the things I should have. I did not hang out with the people I wanted to. I did not say the things I needed to. I let it pass by. The end of my childhood, I let it pass by and slip away and I did not even try to express how much it killed me to do so without an inidication of how much it truly meant to me. How much the people meant to me, how much I needed them, how much I loved and cared for them. But there's nothing I can do now, except move on...right?

I have lost control of my life. I have. I have lost mysself, who I used to be, of the things that made my happy, of the things I once found touching or profound or inspiring or motivating. I have lost most of my drive, my personality, my tastes and preferences. I want to go back to being Iqra, back in February. I want to go back to being as happy as often as I once was. For the first time in my life, I was absolutely comfortable with who I was, with my friends, with how I looked, with what I did. I had purpose, I had drive, I had energy. I was happy.

I don't know who or what I am anymore.

All I want now? To go to UF, to start fresh. To start classes, to get submerged in my passion. TO be excited for things again. To be happy again. I wish sometimes that I DID sign up for summer term. I wish I was already up there. Productivity keeps the mind occupied and creates the illusion of happiness -- or at least contentment -- like nothing else.