I think the hardest part was that you made me believe I wasn't a good person anymore. You MADE me into someone who wasn't a good person anymore. And I have never actually stopped to think about whether YOU were a good person or not. I always brushed aside your actions for anger issues or trouble from the past. But you just...you never tried to ever fix that or better yourself. I'm seeing that now. You truly aren't a good person. You see the things you're doing wrong but instead of fixing them, you ignore them for a while, cover up, lie about it, then explode and make yourself out to be the victim and everyone else around you is guilty. Which is such a bullshit way of living. Because you wrong others, smash everything in your path, act like a douchebag, lash out, scream yell fight destroy, say whatever makes YOU feel good in the moment. You don't ever try to fix anything, you bottle it up and then get angry at the world. The world did you wrong, the world should have seen it. So people get double hurt, not only for trying to help you while you're supposedly "fixing" yourself (lying about it) but then when you decide you're sick of lying and then lash out. And everyone else is at wrong for not dealing with it. Everyone else is awful, everyone else has wronged you, everyone else is a bad person. 

Stop acting like a victim, stop saying you just want to be a good person, stop saying how you're so messed up and you're trying and all this bullshit. I always thought you were a good person, just given too much bad in the past. But I'm seeing now that you never changed and you aren't someone good. And I don't think you ever will be. 

Caring for someone like you is trying to pick up broken glass. I'm the only one that gets hurt. Truly hurt, not your version of victim hurt. Because I believe in you too much, because I give you too much credit, because I think for once you'll actually care enough to hold yourself back or care enough to make an effort to be better. But you're just full of lies and deception and hurtful words and just something really bad and poisonous. You always regret the things you've said and done to me but you were not the one being hit by those things. 

Before you, I never used to cry. Before you, I was relatively happy with myself, with my life. 

The week after we starte going out, I called my best friend crying, already hurt. 

Now I don't even have her. Now I don't even recognize who I am. Now I don't remember the last time I've gone through an entire day feeling okay. 

I'm looking forward to after you. But what's left after you?

You've made me lose everything. I don't want you or any of this anymore. I don't want my own life and it's all your damn fault. Actually, a lot of it is my own damn fault for letting you. I hate myself for it, absolutely, from the bottom of my heart. There's nothing but resentment left.

           

What do you do when everyday you feel like you're being suffocated? Like you can't breathe or move or do anything anymore? I have lost control of everything and there is a huge hole in my chest that makes it impossible for me to go on living like nothing is wrong

It is a terrifying feeling to know that the people who you would always still give up your life for, you've made feel like they don't matter whatsoever. It's a terrifying feeling knowing they've moved on without you and you are what you once were. My sisters consider me a stranger...and it's all my fault.

That's what breaks my heart.

Ramblings

I am and always have been self-conscious enough to feel silly about writing about my experiences...however, I feel that college and life and these past couple of months have warranted a need for me to express my thoughts outside of whatever little verbal communication I may have.

I vehemently denied the ending of high school for the last few weeks. I did not do all the things I should have. I did not hang out with the people I wanted to. I did not say the things I needed to. I let it pass by. The end of my childhood, I let it pass by and slip away and I did not even try to express how much it killed me to do so without an inidication of how much it truly meant to me. How much the people meant to me, how much I needed them, how much I loved and cared for them. But there's nothing I can do now, except move on...right?

I have lost control of my life. I have. I have lost mysself, who I used to be, of the things that made my happy, of the things I once found touching or profound or inspiring or motivating. I have lost most of my drive, my personality, my tastes and preferences. I want to go back to being Iqra, back in February. I want to go back to being as happy as often as I once was. For the first time in my life, I was absolutely comfortable with who I was, with my friends, with how I looked, with what I did. I had purpose, I had drive, I had energy. I was happy.

I don't know who or what I am anymore.

All I want now? To go to UF, to start fresh. To start classes, to get submerged in my passion. TO be excited for things again. To be happy again. I wish sometimes that I DID sign up for summer term. I wish I was already up there. Productivity keeps the mind occupied and creates the illusion of happiness -- or at least contentment -- like nothing else.

Last weekend of summer!

I slept over Kailani and Katrina's Friday night, woke up on Saturday, got stuff ready for Sunday (which was Eid) and spent Sunday with family.

Though I didn't get to have a wildly crazy summer, I was pretty productive, I left the house a lot and had some good experiences. I got to intern at a place where I could experience some of what my possible career would be, I realized how much I've grown since 9th grade and how much more willing I am to step up. I met with my KC officers and Journalism peeps. I truly realized how much I grew during this summer--if someone told me at any point in middle school I'd be president of a club or editor-in-chief of an entire publication, I would have laughed in their faces and told them they didn't know me.

I am determined to make senior year the best year in high school, both academically and socially. I am excited to expand and improve my clubs. I am not ready to have started with colleges, but I'm taking baby steps. This summer was a pretty good one. I traveled a little, I stayed productive and I got some R&R after the chaos that was junior year.

A really nice quote I got from the president of Questbridge to end off my summer and to the beginning of senior year (as well as the rest of my life!):
"If you don't trip a few times, you're not running hard enough." -Michael McCullough

Goodbye summer 2012, hello senior year! (D:)

Henna!

Cake we baked at Katrina's birthday :)

Sunday morning :)

How it turned out x)

They took a picture with me x)